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Submitted on
December 28, 2013
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perhaps

if i practice enough,
i might find a way to capture
the little good moments:

baking bread
a cup of tea
falling snow
purring cats

budding flowers
a good book
long afternoons
singing birds

high tide
a full moon
soft sand
clasped hands

confidence
empathy
positivity--

perhaps

my words
may evolve
to carry more
than empty
cynicism.
i don't like my negativity. but that's something i can change.

awkward diction and layout, any advice/edits, dear readers? (:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello :wave:
You have been featured in my weekly dA love for everyone! article.
Have a nice day and Happy New Year! :dalove:
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:iconseilf:
Seilf Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! (:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :heart:
Reply
:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
'if i practice enough,
i might be able to capture
the little good moments:

baking bread
a cup of tea
a purring cat

falling snow
budding flowers
long afternoons
inside jokes

confidence
empathy
positivity--

my words should
mean more
than empty
cynicism."

some possible thoughts:

- two small word changes for caveats
rather than certainty, 'might', 'should'.

- a less intense descriptive sound for the flowers,
plus anticipation of beauty to come, 'budding'.

- and, what looks to me like natural
line breaks.

- also, maybe reword the third line,
to flow the same thought more 'naturally'.

[however it must all seem natural to you.] 

;) pip
Reply
:iconseilf:
Seilf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oooh! I really like the line breaks and word changes! Added on a few new stanzas to deepen the poem and make it more relatable to various readers.

Thank you so much for your time, advice, and amiable discussions. I deeply appreciate your comments. (:

(My name is Laura/Lars, by the way P:)
Reply
:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
happy to be of use, Lars,
and especially that you
like what i suggest.

you're more than welcome... ;)

pip
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